play + structure: in defence of structure (#1)

I recently started using this thing on my phone that tells me when it's time to go to bed and then wakes me up AT THE SAME TIME EVERY DAY. This does not seem very cool to me.

I also recently started attempting to eat 3 meals EVERY DAY and simplifying my wardrobe to include 30 items. Again, not earning huge cool points. The items I've chosen seem a bit simplistic, plus this seems to be a popular trend, and 3 meals a day seems like it might get a lil' bit boring especially seeing one of the only things I can make is tortillas with egg and feta cheese.

This is not mind shattering earth altering for most. But it is for me who has RAGED (internally) against the theatre teachers and supervisors who have tried to impose structure on ME, a person who, despite how others may see me, likes to see herself as a creative type who says things like "freedom" and "flow" (ok I don't say the word flow I just think it) and likes to imagine herself as "going with her internal rhythms" and seeing where the spirit moves her," it is a big deal.

And to tell you the truth

I love it so much.

I love knowing that as I write this I have about 4 hours to "play" before I "have to" go to bed.

(I know there are other folks who LOVE structure and stay far away from anything that looks like play. And by play I mean anything outside of our everyday image management protocol. This is another post)

When I don't do this, when I stay afraid of structure it means I flounder about with a low level of stress coming from not having anything to HOLD me.

I want my bedtime and my 30 items of clothing and my teeth brushing ritual and my meals to HOLD ME. I want to get all cozy and the good kind of safe because only then can I PLAY and create, KNOWING the structures that I'm pushing against as I'm creating.

A team, a collective, a family or a theatre group that has no structure may work. Or it may also feel chaotic. It operates on such principles as "be creative" or "be free." These are great concepts, conceptually, but "creative" looks like this when you google it.

And my life looks like this when I'm "free."

I love facebook and chocolate and lying topless reading a magazine on a faux leather couch with weird pajama pants on, however, for right now I'm discovering that


Update: The three meals has stuck (if you count peanut butter toast, which I do). The 30 items is still a rough guideline (but still haunts me in a good way). The bedtime app is a bit shaky.

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